From binge drinking to vibrators: the dark sides of female equality

A new study identifies equality as responsible for ‘educated’ women’s alcohol consumption – but that’s not the only evil it has spawned

I believe it was Mark Twain who once said: “Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which (s)he never shows to anybody.” Well, listen up, moon-people, because it turns out something else also has a dark side: equality.

As the recent ministerial appointment of backtracking, anti-same sex marriage spanner Caroline Dinenage as equalities minister suggests, a harmonious society centred around the equal treatment of people isn’t all it was cracked up to be. But though the Thatcher principle (“women can be helmet-headed heartless husks which, like the sun eating dragons of Chinese mythology, are intent on destroying all that’s good and true in the world, too”) may have a lot to answer for, it’s not the only downside to equality.

Indeed, according to a study by the OECD, “the dark side of equality” is that women now have drinking habits that resemble men’s. Would that these were the days when the only members of the female sex allowed to cross the thresholds of our local taverns were bawdy corset-wearing medieval serving-wenches who were, as popular mythology dictates, the sober but cheerful recipients of unceasing bum gropage. Failing that, a nationwide rolling-out of the Garrick’s entrance policy would surely nip this public health crisis in the bud?

And that’s not all. As men in tin-foil fedoras across the internet will no doubt confirm, drinking is just the tip of the iceberg. The violently contracting Rosemary Woodhouse of equality has breech-birthed many an evil into this world. For instance:

Trousers

Ukip donor Demetri Marchessini had the inside track on this in 2013 when he denounced women in trousers as an “abomination”, saying: “countless women who would look lovely in dresses or skirts are embarrassingly unattractive in trousers.” So furious was he about this trend that he wrote an entire book on the subject, the magnum opus Women in Trousers: A Rear View. Indeed, as unsubstantiated rumours that I just made up have it, Marchessini demands that any woman in his presence immediately drop trou in order that he is able to photograph the light side of the equality moon.

Voting

Look at the election results! What a mess we have got the country into. Wasn’t it so much better when the men were in charge and we didn’t have to muddle our pretty little heads with politics? Leave the important stuff to our trousered superiors, I say. Instead, we could be devoting our mental energy to more important matters, such as ringlets, embroidery and coathanger abortions.

Money

In a blow to worldwide male dominance, women now have access to money. They might even have their own bank accounts that – horror of horrors – only require their own signatures to withdraw from. But what good are all these “cashed-up bitches” with their fancy swag really doing society?

It’s time to face facts: it doesn’t matter how many times your dad cuts up your mum’s Marks and Spencer’s storecard, women having money is basically propping up the global capitalist economy. Not only that, but now we have the financial independence necessary to escape the kitchens you still long to trap us in and file for divorce should we so choose. You could argue that giving women money has been an unmitigated disaster, but look on the bright side: women still aren’t paid as much as men and thanks to capitalism ramping the beauty industry up a notch in order to keep us oppressed once we got outside of the house, we spend most of it on lipstick and diet pills anyway.

Bosses

Remember that nasty female boss you had in the early 80s when you wore a brown suit and worked in insurance? All the women are like that when they are handed positions of power, which is why they must remain secretaries at all cost. But hold on to your toupees and wipe the sweat from your vests, meninists, because we are still a very long way off from the following conversation: “Where’s Nick today? I thought he was coming to collect the children.” “Well, actually, the children don’t see him all that much. He’s one of those career men you see. You know, a man. With a career. Total nightmare.”

Vibrators

If you thought manbro novelist Chuck Palahniuk’s book Beautiful You (which depicts a nightmare dystopia in which women retreat almost entirely from public life in order to play with their vibrators) was a work of fiction, then you need to wake up and smell the skinny frappuccino. Global sex toy sales are soaring, and current predictions suggest that men will be almost entirely obsolete by 2025. The feminist illuminati are preparing a colony as I write.

Birth control

Before birth control, women were permanently hooked up to an international pipeline of warm baby sick and mysteriously yellow faeces. Now that they are able to take the odd break from creating, incubating, expelling, feeding and protecting new humans, women are unfortunately able to leave the house for brief periods of time (probably to have abortions, the murdering slags). This sadly means that they can now dedicate their time to forcing themselves upon traditionally male pursuits such as politics, science, the arts, sport, literature, GCSE maths, and all of history.

It’s OK though, they’re still so behind from centuries of enforced baby-making that they are still few and far between, and any woman who does look like she might challenge male genius in these areas we just ignore anyway.

Sandwiches

Men now have to make their own. Except this man. He hit the jackpot.

• Inequality
• Opinion
• Women
• Alcohol
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